HOLY BALLS. This is our first (and hopefully last) giveaway of the Summer. I want to reach 50,000 followers by yesterday and to do that I need some serious reader promotion. Think of this as a pimp and ho situation. I am the pimp and you all could be my well compensated and respectfully treated ho’s. Please Facebook share, tweet, instagram, body paint, graffiti, tattoo your ass with this site and you will be entered to win the super sexy Haute Mess Life gift basket which is pretty fucking great if you ask me. Use the hashtag #hautemesslife or #hautemesslife.com and I will do a live drawing to see who wins the following goodies.
HAUTE MESS LIFE GIFT BASKET
- My favorite F21 $9.99 jeans is YOUR SIZE (Haute Mess Obsessions)
(or if you are a Haute Mess Man I will send a semi nude photo of one of my hot friends!)
- Bottle of Ketel One (Haute Mess Happy Hour)
- Jar of Garlic Stuffed Olive Juice
- Clinique Lipgloss in Black Honey (Haute Mess Beauty)
(or if you are a Haute Mess Man I will send a top of the line chapstick)
- Mereadesso Body Balm (my new favorite body lotion – this has saved my skin)
- 1 Slim Jim
- Season 1 DVD of Sex and The City (it’s used… I have 2 copies. YOU’RE WELCOME!)
Can someone say GIFT BASKET BONER?!? Now go share, share, share and you can soon be a certified Haute Mess. Remember you can follow blog via email by entering your email address and then click follow on the column to the right ———-> (one chromosome away). You can ALSO like Haute Mess Life on FACEBOOK by clicking the icon also located to the right. Duh. How can anybody not like a Slim Jim? Uhhhhhhhmazing.
I’d like to go on record and say I am not currently nor ever will be a hipster. It has been something I have struggled with for a while. When I head east of La Brea I instantly feel anxiety and start majorly regretting my overuse of face shimmer. I try and blend in by discussing small budget films, how underrated the banjo is and how Thom Yorke is my total dream guy. I refuse to wear floral head wreaths, gag at the thought of flannel and would rather eat a newborn baby then wear platform doc martens. My Jew do won’t oblige to a middle part and wearing a Charlie Chaplin hat is just not going to happen. I do not get the thought process of refusal to spend more than $2 on a flea market t-shirt but will drop $8 on a totally organic latte made with non-conflict coffee beans. No comprendo. When did this hipster epidemic start and when the fuck did I get so uncool. After some analysis I have concluded some of the fundamentals of hipsterness.
- Thrift Stores – Listen I love me a good bargain. Loehmans is one of my favorite past times for recreational shopping but scavenging the trenches of the Rose Bowl flea market for an old ripped up Sex Pistols shirt makes me nervous and veklempt.
- Vintage Chanel bags – I appreciate the juxtapose of the designer bag with the hipster mentality. Well done hipsters.
- High Rise Denim Cut-offs – This is a major wardrobe staple for the hipsters, bonus points for lighter shades of denim. The more ripped and the more ass cheek hanging out – the better!
- Combat and/or Doc Marten Boots – No explanation necessary.
- Farmers Markets – Hipsters get a boner for organic locally grown produce. You can quote me on that. They also like sunflowers.
- Disheveled Hair – The hair is an intricate part of the hipster persona, it’s either really short, really long, really light, really dark or really messy. Bonus points for the extreme side bag – you know when you part your hair deep to one side then unwillingly force your hair to the opposite side of your face. Used to be a big hit in highschool? May be more of an emo thing than hipster I don’t know.
- The Vacant Selfie – Looks like it was taken professionally but is clearly self shot. If it is a smiling shot it always “candid” while eyes are closed looking away or its my favorite dead pan stare. I live for these. I tried recreating one for the sake of the post but look way too constipated and downs to publish. Sorry.
- Dream catchers – I am not really sure why I included these. They just seem very hipster. Moving on.
- Crop Top – What is more tried and true than a crop top? FUCKING NOTHING. Why have a full length top when it could be cropped? Duh.
- Fake Opticals – Oy vey, as someone who is legally blind I can’t grasp the concept of wanting to wear fake spectacles. Is it too look smart? Fashionable? Visually impaired – I don’t know.
- Jeffrey Campbell – People lose their shit for this stuff. Sometimes I get it, although I may just be saying that to be nice. I don’t think I get the hype. Or maybe I do. I am not comfortable enough to make an honest opinion… I am sorry.
- “Hattitude” – Hats are to hipsters what Tiaras are to ancient royalty. Or salt to the ocean. Regardless of fahrenheit hipsters will work the shit out of a beanie in any and all climates. The bigger the brim the closer to God. That doesn’t make any sense.
- Quinoa – “I am literally OBSESSED with quinoa!” No one should be passionate about quinoa. I actually enjoy quinoa given its health benefits. I wouldn’t say I lose my shit for it, it’s like a small puffed grain. All hipsters love quinoa – show me one that doesn’t. Seriously
- Headgear- You know the string around the head, the floral wreath, the turban. All hipster headgear. I personally am dying for one of those crystal Cleopatra headpieces but don’t want people to get the wrong idea and start thinking I am into nature and shit.
- Socks – Hipster’s love socks. Knee socks, printed socks, socks with bows. I like a basic Kirkland ankle sock personally.
I kinda wish I could be a hipster… a girl can dream right?
Sorry this has taken so long, I have been next level lazy this past week. I LOVE all the Haute Mess Help emails I have received and promise to (eventually) respond to all of them (unless they are really dumb). Here we go…
“ Hi Jack (nickname status already?) I watched your happy hour video and wanted to know if you had any good nonalcoholic drink recipes, something that is still festive so my friend doesn’t feel excluded. She just got over a drinking problem so not the best idea to tempt her with mojitos lol. Thanks – Anna ”
Anna, I try not to mingle with recently recovering alcoholics at all costs but for the sake of being helpful can provide some mocktail recipes. I would probably keep it simple like soda water with a splash of cranberry in a tumbler with lime wedge. For me it’s all about a garnish. I think if you make something too elaborate with umbrellas and monkeys coming out of the glass you may be drawing too much attention to your sober friend Lindsay Lohan. Maybe a “Promises Punch” “Rehab Russian” or even a “Sober Sex on the Beach”? Hope that helps.
“ Hey! I love your blog (thank you!!) especially haute mess for hundred. I am meeting my boyfriends parents this weekend for the first time and they are really conservative. My boyfriend has been warning me I will need to dress more modestly then usual and it has been stressing me out. We are going for lunch this weekend at their hotel, what should I wear? x G”
Hi “G”. If I were you I would keep it simple with some latex thigh high boots and maybe some hot pants and a rhinestoned bra. Kidding. Don’t stress, wear some dark jeans, heels or wedges and a cute blouse. Why is your boyfriend giving you such a hard time? Do you wear a see through mesh body suit every day? Are his parents Amish? I hate when guys tell girls what to wear, know your place. Boring. Tell him if he is so worried about your ensemble, he can go to Ann Taylor and buy you a Barbara Walters skirt suit. Or better yet, a Chanel tweed suit.
And the best for last… What. The. Fuck. “Do you have any sexy single friends, wanna hook me up i am 5’9, built and love a good time. I will send pics if you think of a good match xxx”
Dear future Megan’s law register, yes and definitely not. Please do not send pics – or do if you want them published. I would like a looksie . Simmer down Pauly D, this isn’t fucking plenty of fish. And 5’9 isn’t very tall so cool it. But please continue to read my blog. I’m assuming you have a lot of free time on (and with) your hands to do so. Also I am offended by your winky face. (see Haute Mess Red Flags ) xo
In my opinion, between ALL the housewives Heather Dubrow’s style is one of the best. Amidst the sea of white capri pants and blonde side ponytails Heather manages to dilute the tackiness with her temple appropriate wardrobe. She wears the fuck out of a quilted Chanel bag and gives it real good with all of her statement jewelry. She keeps a mostly monotone color scheme and once in a while keeps things spicy with a caged bootie. She can be a little rigid and everytime she says “Oh my!” my soul dies but I still love her. Heather if you ever see this… I’d like to come live with you. Just throwin that idea out there.
I’ve decided to pop the “champs” and put together 2 Heather Dubrow inspired looks. One for day, while you are visting your plastic surgeon husband or picking out designer cakes to celebrate losing your stage name. And a nighttime outfit, either to celebrate your guest role on “Hot in Cleveland” or going out for an apology dinner cause your hubby used the “d-word”…
- Necklace: San Francisco Flea Market (Unbelievable find)
- Cream Top: Forever 21
- Jacket: Zara
- Jeans: J Brand (I couldn’t shame her with my usual $9.99 jeans)
- Shoes: Christian Louboutin
- Dress: Zara (found this yesterday on sale. jacquard fabric, cap sleeves, gold zipper and pockets! can you say SHUL?)
- Shoes: Tory Burch
- Black Cuff: J Crew
- Crystal Stud Bracelet: H&M
- Bag : Marc Jacobs
This is just way too much posing… oy -but it just had to be done. I love you Heather… CHAMPS ANYONE?!